


I'm Just... Tired

by WrongEraDreamer



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Falling In Love, Love, M/M, Small lies, a tiny bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-01-10 12:48:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12299562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrongEraDreamer/pseuds/WrongEraDreamer
Summary: All the times Phil said "I'm just... tired" when he meant something else.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! If you read my fic... THANKS!!! Please let me know if you like it.

Phil just woke up and he already hates the day. After so many days of planning, after so many days freaking out, after so many days being excited, he finally met Dan… and today he leaves.

 

He’s knows he is being a bit too dramatic and they already have plans to see each other again, but these last days haven't been what he expected. He had planned for them to have fun and become even closer (and they did), but he didn’t plan for things to get so serious since the first day.

 

He saw Dan first at the train station and he was freaking out, he was the nervousest he had ever been in his life, so instead of overthinking stuff he just acted. He hugged Dan as soon as he was close enough, he held his hand when they were at Starbucks and he kept fake clawing and biting him just so he could keep touching him. He felt a bit silly, he was supposed to be calm and take things slow.

 

When Dan kissed him on the Manchester Eye it all went out the window.

 

They had spent these last two days pretty much drunk with each other and never getting enough, it was amazing.

 

And today it ended.

 

Dan started to wake up next to him so he just took a deep breath and tried to act normal.

 

“If I keep on sleeping and miss the train, can I stay here forever?” Dan’s voice is soft and sleepy against his pillow. Phil already feels even worse.

 

“Sure, but what are we going to tell our parents?” He really wants to get closer to Dan but he should start distancing himself from him so that the separation doesn’t hurt as much. Instead he just sighs and goes to the kitchen without waiting for Dan’s answer.

 

By the time he is pouring a second bowl of cereal Dan enters the kitchen as well. “What are our plans for today before I leave?”

 

**_Before I leave._ **

 

“I don’t know, do you want to go to Manchester now and do something there or hang out here until it’s time?” Phil doesn’t want to keep talking about Dan leaving, it’s their last day together and he wants to ignore that.

 

Dan answers while he grabs his bowl of cereal. “I don’t know, it would be more convenient to go now because you never know if there will be trouble with the bus or something later on, but I also just want to play video games and be alone with you before I leave.”

 

**_Before I leave._ **

 

“Well you’ve got to make a decision, mate.” Phil sounds a bit irritated and he wills himself to keep it together.

 

Dan doesn’t seem to notice, he’s eating cereal and doesn’t answer for a while. “Well… I mean, there is nothing super fun to do in Manchester that doesn’t require money so we might as well stay here and then leave early enough for me to catch the train home.”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“And besides, it’s quite a long trip so I might as well chill before I leave since those train rides can be quite draining, you know?” Dan sounds really sleepy and calm, Phil feels like he wants to punch something.

 

**_…Before I leave…_ **

 

“…Yeah.” Phil is starting to lose it.

 

“Hey, do you know where I left my grey shirt? I don’t remember and I will probably leave and forget about half of my stuff.” He laughs a little bit.

 

Phil knocks his bowl of cereal and there is milk everywhere. “Shit!"

 

“Woah!” Dan stands up a bit startled and Phil just runs and grabs some paper towels to clean everything.

 

Why does he have to keep talking about leaving? Why can’t he just talk about other things? Why can’t he kiss him instead of talking? Why can’t he… Why can’t he stay?

 

Phil knows he is being childish and he hates it.

 

“Phil, are you alright?” Dan grabs one of the paper towels and helps him clean.

 

**_No, I want you to stay._ **

 

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just…” **_Sad that you are leaving_ ,** “tired… we went to sleep pretty late last night.”

 

When they finish cleaning the milk Dan grabs his hand. “Want to go back to bed for a bit?”

 

Something about the way Dan is holding his hand makes him realise that this must be just as sad for Dan as it is for him. He feels selfish and stupid.

 

Phil gives him a quick kiss and decides to chill the hell out. “Yeah, it’s still pretty early.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! if you read my fic please know that I'm thankful and if you like it please let me know!

“You don’t have to take me to the train station every time, I feel guilty because you have to take the bus both ways.” Dan’s making sure he isn’t leaving anything at Phil’s house and Phil secretly hopes he does.

 

“I know, but I like doing it.” He smiles a little but feels like he needs to say more. **_Not yet._**

 

“Okay, it seems like I packed everything so… shall we?” Says Dan sounding a little bit defeated.

 

“Hey, why the sad face? You’re coming back in 20 days to help me film my Christmas video, in the meantime I need you to use your creative powers to help me plan it.” Phil is not as chill as he pretends to be and, considering the fact that Dan was supposed to leave yesterday but Phil managed to convince him to stay another day, Dan probably knows he is pretending but doesn’t mention it.

 

“Ugh fine, but you’ll have to pay me for my services.” Dan smirks and Phil punches his arm. Suddenly Dan is kissing him and Phil stops pretending to be chill for a minute, enjoying every second of the kiss because they will have to wait 20 days for another one.

 

**_Dan, I’m…_ **

 

Unfortunately, the kiss has to end and they have to catch a bus in order for Dan to catch a train. They leave early enough so that they don’t need to rush at all and when they arrive at the train station they have 20 minutes to spare.

 

“I can’t believe I still have Stephen’s Kit Kat, it already melted and everything.” Dan takes out said candy from his bag and starts opening it.

 

“If it’s melted you’re going to make a mess, I would recommend waiting until you get home to eat it.”

 

“Good advice.” Says Dan and then he proceeds to open the Kit Kat and eat one piece of it. Phil just laughs.

 

“Didn’t Stephen tweet you telling you to protect it for him? What are you going to tell him now?” Phil wants to reach out and clean a bit of chocolate in Dan’s cheek but they’re in public and it’s not the time for stuff like that, they had their time at his house.

 

“I’ll tell him that I tried really hard to protect it but then you knocked me out and ate it.” Dan has almost finished eating it and his fingers are a mess.

 

“Hey! That’s not fair and it’s not true.”

“What proof do you have?” And without a warning he puts the last piece of Kit Kat in Phil’s mouth while he laughs. “There, now we are both guilty.”

 

“Dan!” Phil has melted chocolate around his mouth as well. “That’s not fair!” He tries to sound annoyed but he sees Dan laughing and he can’t help but laugh as well.

 

**_Dan, I’m…_ **

“Here, I have some old napkins on my bag.” Dan takes them out and hands one to Phil while he cleans his face.

 

“Thanks.” For some reason Phil grabs Dan’s hand instead and doesn’t let go for a few seconds.

 

**_Dan, I’m…_ **

 

“Phil?” Dan is not pulling away but he looks a bit puzzled.

 

“Sorry,” he let’s go of his hand and cleans his face, “it’s just… Dan, I’m…” **_in love with you._ ** “just tired, I spaced out for a second.” He laughs a little bit and fakes a yawn.

 

They keep talking for a while and when the time comes they hug goodbye and Dan leaves. On the bus back home Phil feels like he should have told Dan, but he didn’t want to tell him in the middle of a train station full of people and he didn’t tell him at home because he wants it to be a nice moment where they are not thinking about Dan leaving. He WILL try to tell him the next time they see each other, besides, he feels like it’s a bit too early to say it, maybe also a bit too early to feel like this, so he’ll wait for the week they’re going to spend together and he’ll make up his mind there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you soooo much to anyone that has read my fic!!! You are beautiful beings and I appreciate it. If you like it please let me know!

Today started as a pretty stressful day. After spending a wonderful summer with Dan, it finally downed on both of them that Dan had to resit one of his exams if he wanted to stay at university. To anyone else this would be stressful but tolerable, but Dan didn’t even like university to begin with so the situation was even more stressful and he had no motivation to keep him going. It is quite irresponsible to leave revision to the night before, but Phil didn’t say it because he knew that Dan was struggling and that it wouldn’t be fair.

 

Dan started revising at 11:00 pm and Phil wanted to leave him alone so that he could study in peace but Dan actually asked him to keep him company so that he didn’t go crazy. While he was cramming Phil decided to play Spyro but with no volume, it all went fine for an hour.

 

Then Dan snapped.

 

“Fuck it, I’m not doing it!” Dan has been making frustrated comments for a while now so Phil didn’t really pay him much attention.

 

“What?” He asks while trying to figure out how to solve the level of the game.

 

“I said I’m not doing it and I don’t give a single fuck anymore.” This time Dan isn’t screaming and he sounds quite calm. That is what calls Phil’s attention.

 

“Wait, are you serious?” Phil pauses the game and looks at him.

 

“Yes.” His voice is so neutral that Phil starts to worry, this is not good.

 

“But Dan, you have to do it. I know this is stressful, I’m not judging, but if you want to stay at university then you-“

 

Dan suddenly stands up and throws his books and papers everywhere. “I said that I don’t give a fucking fuck anymore!”

 

Phil is speechless and everything goes quiet.

 

Dan is looking at him like he is daring him to judge him or to reproach him, he looks really angry.

 

“Dan.” Phil just says his name in the softest voice he can manage.

 

It seems to surprise Dan and he suddenly goes limp and falls on the sofa, he is staring at the coffee table like he will find the answer to all his problems there and starts to breath really fast.

 

“I don’t… I’m… Phil…” And then Dan starts crying.

 

Phil sits next to him immediately but doesn’t know what to do. Should he hug him? Give him space? Should he tell him that everything is going to be fine? Try to help him study?

 

**I’m so powerless**

 

After a few seconds, he decides to give Dan a bit of space while he picks up the books and papers. Maybe he should be holding Dan, but Phil knows him enough to know that giving him a bit of spaces for now is better, Dan will come to him when he is ready.

 

Dan has gone from full crying to little sobs and Phil sits next to him again, he doesn’t touch him but he wants him to know that he is there for him.

 

**I’m so powerless**

 

“Sorry” Dan’s voice is so shaky and soft that it breaks Phil’s heart.

 

“Why are you apologizing?” Phil moves closer and Dan finally leans on him.

 

“For being such a brat.” He finally calmed down but Phil can feel him shaking and he just wraps his arm around him and kisses the top of his head.

 

“You are not a brat, Dan.” Phil doesn’t really know what else to say at this point, encouraging words would not be really useful right now.

 

Dan just sighs, he sounds completely defeated.

 

“Okay,” Phil is trying his very best right now but the feels like the very worst. “so you don’t want to do this anymore. That doesn’t make you a brat! And yeah, maybe you lashed out but with all that stress and zero motivation it is perfectly understandable.”

 

“I don’t know what to do Phil.” Dan sighs again and rests his head on Phil’s lap. Phil strokes his head slowly and as gently as ever.

 

“To be honest Dan, I don’t know either. What I do know is that there is no point in you taking that exam tomorrow, so how about sleep? Tomorrow we can deal with everything, I’ll even go with you if you want, but right now the best thing you can do is rest.” Phil is not sure of anything and feels like he is not being helpful, but what else can he do?

 

Dan doesn’t say anything and they remain in complete silence, each having their own internal struggle. Phil keeps on stroking Dan’s hair and feels like he wants to pause the world for a moment, just enough to think and to let Dan think as well.

 

“I’ll talk with the teacher and with my parents tomorrow.” Dan sits up and rubs his eyes, he is calm but he sounds so defeated and sad.

 

“Okay.” Phil takes his hand and squeezes it a bit. “Do you want hot chocolate? You can lay down and I’ll bring it to you.”

 

Dan nods and Phil goes quickly to the kitchen. He pours the milk and put it on the microwave, while he waits he starts to overthink everything again.

 

Should he really support Dan on leaving? Maybe he should have tried to motivate him, maybe he is ruining Dan’s life by not pushing him a little bit. How is he supposed to help Dan? Is this going to make things even worse for Dan? How the hell could he play video games in front of Dan while he studied? What is wrong with him? He also didn’t help Dan during the summer, if anything he distracted him even more! What kind of boyfriend is he?

 

“Phil?” Dan is standing behind him and makes him jump a little. He thought Dan was already laying down on his bed.

 

“Yeah?” He turns to look at Dan and gives him a little smile.

 

“The microwave has been beeping for a while, I think the milk is done.” Dan points at the beeping microwave and Phil curses on his head. How distracted was he? Seriously!

 

“Sorry.” Phil takes the mug out and takes out the cocoa powder.

 

“Are you alright?” Dan hugs him from behind and Phil feels even worse. Why is Dan worrying about him? Phil should be the one worrying about Dan and doing his best to make him feel better.

 

“Yeah sorry, I’m just…” **feeling so powerless.** “tired, we both are. I’ll hurry up so we can go and sleep.”

 

They leave the kitchen and Dan asks Phil if he can sleep with him tonight. A couple minutes later Dan finishes his drink and pretty much collapses on his bed, Phil cuddles him quietly until he falls asleep as well.

 

Tomorrow will be another day, maybe better or maybe worse. Phil doesn’t know.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read my fic, thank you!!! If like it please let me know!

In Phil’s opinion, it has been a really stressful year so far. First, they moved to London chasing something that isn’t even official, they have been talking with BBC radio 1 for a while and thing are looking pretty great… but it still isn’t official and they are still waiting. Then, they had to deal with all the stress of moving itself, even worse because they didn’t only move to a new apartment, they moved to a freaking new city! London! It’s pretty convenient but living here is a bit more expensive and they still require some help from their parents from time to time. There was also VidCon, which was pretty great and they had fun, but going to those event is quite tiring and stressful as well.

 

But… that is not what is keeping them on edge right now…

 

It was an accident, YouTube apologized for the inconvenience.

 

At first it was fine! They were able to keep it under radar and in the end it didn’t cause a shitstorm. Everything went back to normal, with some slight inconveniences but it was pretty okay.

 

Now it wasn’t.

 

Somehow it came back to haunt them… this time it’s as far from okay as it could ever be.

 

Having you heart exposed to thousands of people without your consent isn’t fucking okay.

 

Dan has been trying to do some sort of damage control… it’s quite hard and it has both of them on edge. Phil doesn’t go to the fans, he just quietly tracks down links.

 

They haven’t thought about breaking up or anything, they just feel really angry.

 

Not with each other! They both know that!... but… sometimes that anger gets unfairly directed to each other and it hurts. It usually happens when one of them is having a bad day.

 

Today is a bad day for Phil.

 

First, there was no cereal today. That’s alright, he’ll buy some later. He just drank coffee.

 

Then, a headache wasn’t letting him watch some TV, he had to take some pills and lay down until he finally felt okay by lunch time.

 

After lunch, he accidentally broke a glass when he was washing it. That’s fine, at least he didn’t cut himself.

 

Before they left for their meeting at 7 p.m. he wanted to use the hair straighteners but couldn’t find them. Dan is probably using them so he’ll wait, his hair looks fine today anyway.

 

When he realizes that one of his shirts has been stained mysteriously he begins to feel annoyed.

 

“Phil!” Dan sounds upset.

 

“What?”

 

“Have you seen the hair straighteners?” He suddenly appears on Phil’s room and begins to move stuff. That increases his annoyance even more.

 

“No, I haven’t. Dan, we need to leave in 10 minutes, why aren’t you ready?” He could get up and help Dan look for them, but today he doesn’t feel like helping at all.

 

Dan rolls his eyes. “I’m ready! I just need to straighten my hair and then we’ll leave!” He’s not exactly shouting, but his voice increased volume.

 

“If you had started to get ready earlier we wouldn’t be rushing!” Phil doesn’t look at Dan and instead grabs his phone and requests a taxi, there is no way they’ll arrive on time if they use the train.

 

**_I’m so stressed!_ **

 

“We are never late! Stop being so annoying! Anyway, didn’t you straighten your hair today? Where the hell did you leave them?” Dan keeps on moving things around and Phil can’t ignore that any longer.

 

“Stop moving my things, I haven’t used them today because I thought you were using them!” He is shouting now, but he doesn’t care and he’s just done. “Can’t you just go like that? It’s not the end of the world!”

 

“No, I can’t and instead of complaining about everything why don’t you help me look for the fucking hair straighteners?!” He leaves Phil’s room and Phil doesn’t follow him.

 

“Because I’m not the one who was procrastinating on Tumblr instead of getting ready for an important meeting!” A part of him feels like he isn’t being totally fair, but stress has taken over him and there is no space for being rational.

 

“For your information, I was doing some damage control because it seems that I’m the only one who does it! You don’t give a fuck about it!” Dan sounds really angry. “Fucking found them! Why the fuck were they in the kitchen?!”

 

Phil now remembers why, he had tried to do a little experiment he saw on a video where they made some popcorn with them. However, he won’t admit guilt and it’s still not his fault that Dan decided to leave everything for the very last fucking minute!

 

“I don’t know! Hurry up already!” Phil check his phone again and it turns out that he now has two missed calls from BBC. FUCK!

 

**_I’m so angry!_ **

 

He calls back immediately and a woman picks up. “Hello! I’m so sorry I just noticed the calls.”

 

“Oh, Mr. Lester! Glad that we managed to contact you. There’s a problem with the directives and the meeting has been delayed. We apologize for the inconvenience. It has been rescheduled for tomorrow, would 9:00 a.m. be okay?”

 

Phil feels like punching something. All this stress for nothing!

 

**_I’m so done!_ **

 

“Yeah, no problem.” He says in the most calm and pleasant voice he can manage. He hates when people think they own other people’s time.

 

The woman apologizes again, gives him the details of the meeting tomorrow and hangs up.

 

Phil cancels the taxi that was supposed to arrive in 8 minutes and then lays down on his bed staring at the ceiling.

 

**_I’m so fucking stressed, I’m so fucking angry, I’m so fucking done._ **

 

A minute or so later Dan comes into his room. “Weren’t you in a fucking rush?! What are you doing?!” He’s still shouting and Phil can’t take it anymore.

 

“The meeting has been rescheduled.” His voice cracks and a tear falls down his cheek.

 

Dan drops his annoyed expression and approaches him. “Hey! Why are you crying?”

 

Phil doesn’t answer and just keeps staring at nothing in particular. He’s not really crying. There are tears but he’s not sobbing and he just feels emotionally drained.

 

It has been a shitty day and Phil may be overreacting.

 

He shouldn’t be crying because the meeting that had them so stressed was rescheduled.

 

He shouldn’t have been so annoyed with Dan for getting ready so late, it is true that they are almost never late.

 

Dan shouldn’t be rushing because he was doing damage control!

 

Dan shouldn’t be doing damage control!

 

There should be no damage to be controlled!

 

But there is.

 

“Phil?” Dan’s voice is soft and his hand is gently wiping away a tear.

 

“I’m just really tired.” To be fair, that’s true. He IS tired… but that’s not just it. **_He’s so stressed with everything, he’s so angry with everything, he’s so done with everything._** “I’m sorry, Dan.”

 

But Dan isn’t really guilty of that, he just happened to be there for the blast.

 

“I’m sorry too.” Dan lays down next to him and hugs him, his head resting on Phil’s shoulder.

 

They lay there in silence for a moment.

 

Thinking.

 

Calming down.

 

Resting.

 

“How about we order something and watch a movie?” Dan suddenly proposes, his voice is still soft and he gently kisses his shoulder.

 

“Yes, please.” Phil gives him a little smile.

 

Thing have been quite hard lately, but they’ll get better. They believe so.

 

Today was just a bad day.

 

That doesn’t mean everything is wrong.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone that read this and even more to the ones that left kudos and/or a comment!!!! If you liked it please let me know.

So many things have happened, it’s truly amazing. Phil never thought he would be on tour and yet here he was with Dan. A book and a tour, life couldn’t be better… or busier. Writing the book was hard enough, but as soon as they were over with it they started planning and rehearsing for TATINOF which left them drained and exhausted.

 

Today’s rehearsal was quite intense since they focused on practicing “The Internet is Here”, which involved repeating the choreography multiple times. As soon as they went back to their apartment they collapsed on the sofa. It might have been a bad idea, since now they would have to stand up again to go to bed, however, they decided to ignore that little fact for now.

 

“Remind me, why the hell did we decide to do a song with choreography and all?” Dan had buried his face on Phil’s lap so his voice was a bit muffled. While Phil decided to simple sit and close his eyes, Dan decided to occupy the rest of the sofa and rest his head on Phil.

 

“At the moment, I can’t find a valid reason. Ask me again tomorrow when I don’t feel like sleeping for 10 years.” Phil still doesn’t open his eyes but he plays with Dan’s hair with his right hand. It has begun to curl because of the sweat.

 

However, even though his legs feel numb, his throat is dry, his arms ache and his eyes feel really heavy, this is amazing.

 

**_I’m happy._ **

 

They stay quiet for a while and they don’t move much, Dan turned his head to the right so he could breathe but it was still resting on Phil’s lap. Suddenly he tenses up and that make Phil open his eyes a little. “Something wrong?”

 

“I just realized that I have to stand up again to go to bed and sleep, so now I regret ever existing.” He sighs dramatically but doesn’t move.

 

“I was happy pretending to ignore that fact and now you ruined it.” Phil answers and moans a little, wishing that he could just have a robot that could carry him to bed without him having to move.

 

Dan laughs a little. “Phil, how much do you love me?”

 

“Not enough to even attempt to carry you to bed so forget it.” He says while softly moving his hands from Dan’s hair to his cheek.

 

Dan pouts playfully and sighs even more dramatically than before while he sits up. “Oh God, even sitting up is exhausting, how am I going to reach the bed?”

 

“Perhaps we could sleep here?” He asks knowing perfectly well what the answer will be. Dan simple glares at him and shoves him a little.

 

**_I’m really happy_ **

 

“Let’s go, otherwise it’ll just get harder and harder.” He said standing up and stretching his back. Phil doesn’t feel like moving at all, he could think of at least 100 thing he would prefer to do over standing up.

 

“Noooo, let me stay here.” He says laughing a little bit. Dan then grabs his arm and pulls, lucky for Phil, he is just as exhausted so there isn’t a lot of strength in the pull.

 

“Phiiiil” He says a bit annoyed. Phil just looks at him and smiles. “You know what? I give up, you stay here if you want.”

 

“Noooo” He fake cries and with all the strength he has left Phil stands up. “This is abuse.”

 

“Shut up.” Dan whispers, for some reason they have reached the point where they are even too tired to talk normally.

 

As soon as they enter the room Dan takes off his shirt and tosses it on Phil’s head. “Hurry up, grandpa.”

 

Phil throws it back at Dan and they laugh softly.

 

**_I’m absolutely happy._ **

 

Phil quickly puts on his pajamas and they both get under the covers, their bodies aching and their eyes as heavy as ever. He slowly turns and looks at Dan, he looks really tired, his eyes are barely open and his hair is curly and messy. The fact that this is all due to them going on tour soon is just unbelievable. Who would have thought? Certainly not him, he never imagined this before.

 

This is all thanks to the wonderful person next to him. They both did this, it wouldn’t have happened without the other and Phil feels like the luckiest person in the world.

 

Without thinking much about it he kisses Dan’s temple.

 

“Huh? What was that for?” Dan is not complaining, he’s just tired so Phil must have surprised him with the sudden affection.

 

“Nothing, I’m just…” **_Extremely happy_**. “tired and sleepy and I love you.” He says smiling. Dan gives him a little smile as well and they both pretty much faint there, knowing that another day of rehearsal is waiting for them tomorrow. They couldn’t be more excited.


End file.
